MEAN MISTER MAC
(Sung by Felicia to the tune of "Mean Mister Mustard" by Lennon/McCartney)

Mean Mister Mac leaps to condemn,
Luke's just a friend! (Whom I'd like to sleep with...)
Despite what the video shows
And streakin' Luke's with hardly no clothes,
You shouldn't be so quick to suppose!
You're a mean ol' Mac!
Such a mean ol' Mac!

My daughter Max sulks all the time,
She's learned to whine. (Wonder where she got that?)
Take her to the Dude Ranch to ride,
Think that she'd be grateful this time,
Then she spouts off something real snide,
Such a bratty young Max!
Bratty young Max!

THE BALLAD OF LUKE AND FELICIA
(Sung by Luke Spencer to the tune of "The Ballad of John and Yoko" by Lennon and McCartney)

Stranded in the tomb on Long Island
Tryin' to get Felicia to 'dance'
Then the man they call Mac said
You've got to go back
You know he didn't even give us a chance

Man, you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
I'll never get with Orphie!

Finally made first base near El Paso,
Tryin' to get those diamonds of mine.
Then Felicia called Mac
And he didn't call back
So she pouted for the rest of the time.

Man! You know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
I've got a call to Tammy!

Then I found her flailing at Faison's
Handcuffed to the bed for a week.
Of course, she would say
That we were forced to 'faux lay'
(But I was only tryin' to get me a 'piece')

Man, you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
No one'll satisfy me!

Savin' up my mojo for another day
Wishin' that she'd just get a clue.
Last night the wife said
Oh joy, a third head
You can't take that girl with us on this rescue! (Dang!)

Made a lightning trip to Vancouver
(Apparently, we failed Lucky's test)
But when I returned
I found Felicia was spurned
So we went for second base on my desk

Man, you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
Just when things got goin'
She had to run out on me!

Then I caught her cryin' in the alley
Knockin' over cans in the back.
So out to the Inn
We went to dis' her husband
And I finally got that gal in the sack!

Hah! I knew she was easy!
I knew she wanted just me!
But the way things are goin'
Mac's gonna crucify me!
Now that Steffin's no-showin'
Mac's gonna crucify me!

I ENJOY BEING A CHURL
(Sung by AJ Quartermaine to the tune of "I Enjoy Being a Girl" by Rodgers and Hammerstein)

When I got that brand new divorce
I gave the PA mike a whirl
And embarrassed my family in due course
I enjoy being a churl!

When Grandfather's veins are a-bulging
And Ned's knickers bunch in a curl
At the sight of my flagrant indulging
I enjoy being a churl!

I wet my Wheaties down with whisky,
I drive over darkened roads at night,
I smile when the situation's risky,
With a pint-and-a-half of courage by my side!

I'm strictly a pickled picaro,
And my future I hope will be
In the arms of my agent amora,
Who'll enjoy seeing a guy being a churl like me!

MASTER OF THE HOUSE
(sung to the tune of "Master of the House"--from Les Miserables-- by Claude-Michael Schonberg)

[This was to be a big production number featuring four favorite Port Charles domestics: Andreas, Johnny, Leticia and Reginald. They are backed by a chorus of other household servants, dressed in their usual uniforms. There is a brief set-up dialogue to be followed by the song.]

DIALOGUE

Andreas: Johnny, I'm surprised to see you out and about.

Johnny: Yes, I can't believe Sonny gave me a day off. [points to a small envelope Andreas is carrying] So, are you running an errand for Mrs. Cassadine?

Andreas: In a manner of speaking. I'm--um--making sure she keeps in touch with family in Europe.

Johnny: Ah, that's swell! What would she do without you?

[enter Leticia and Reginald]

Leticia: A day off! I can finally spend some time with Reggie.

Reginald: Wow! All four of us are away from our respective houses at the same time...

Johnny: I'll bet things are just falling apart! Imagine Michael without
Leticia!

Leticia: Imagine the penthouse without its bodyguard!

Reginald: I can almost hear Edward bellowing from here...

Andreas: Indeed. We all know who the real Masters of the House are...

[Begin song]

Andreas:

Welcome Madame
Sit yourself down
And meet the best assistant in town

As for the rest
All of them rakes
Pretending to serve, but there for the take

Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent who's content to be....

Chorus:

Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready as an escort to adorn your arm

Setting up the rooms
Leading guests around
Dropping off the bodies where they won't be found

Andreas:

Some may say that I'm in danger
It's risky but the perks are sweet
Madame may be vicious but she's still delicious in the sheets!

Chorus:

Master of the House
Staying out of spite
Ready to be vengeful when the time is right

Pours a little wine
Lends a listening ear
All the while playing the provocateur

Andreas:

Glad to have my Madame's favor
Doesn't this massage feel nice?
Now speak a little clearer, nearer to the recording device!

Chorus:

Masters of the House
Keepers of the keys
Always at the ready with an aim to please

Servants to the rich
Butlers to the great
Comforters, philosophers and sometimes-mate

Everybody's true companion
Everybody's gossip muse
Always acting cheerful, hoping for an ear-full they can use

Verse 2:

Johnny:

Enter, you may
After my test
Unload your gun and then be our guest

I'll hold the bat
I'll take that knife
Lighten your load and lengthen your life.

Here your goose is cooked
If you try to hide
And nothing's overlooked till I'm satisfied...

Chorus:

Master of the House
Protector of the Don
Bodyguard of Carly and her red-haired son.

Workin' round the clock
Never takes a break
You'd think that he'd get tired but he's still awake.

Johnny:

Elevator keeps me busy
Lights moving from floor to floor
Easily amused, I'm used to staring aimlessly for hours.

Chorus:

Master of the House
Keeper of the door
Never been inside beyond the front foyer

Doesn't have a life
Doesn't have a girl
Frisking is the only way he'll get a feel.

Johnny:

Visitors are more than welcome,
'Specially of the female kind
Hoping to be groping (could lead to eloping!); moping 'cause Leticia's occupied.

[Leticia steps forward]

Chorus [to Leticia]:

Nanny of the House
Michael's other mom
Been caring for him since the days of Diaper Don

Takes him to the park
Takes him to the zoo
Tells him who his 'daddy' is when he's confused.

Every child's boon companion
Every child's chaperone
Still she longed to belong to that special adult of her own...

Leticia:

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
At the Q's I knew my days of solitude were since...

Chorus [to Reginald]:

Master of the House!
No, it's Monica's!
Alan gave it to her so that quarrel's a draw...

Dresses rather odd
Wears a hip goatee
Sure, he's style-challenged but he works for free

Reginald:

I'll do anything for Lila
Answer phones and carry trays
Folks she doesn't like, to them I serve the spiked canapés

Chorus [singing to all four]:

Boy-toy of the Yacht
Keeper of the Door
Nanny for the mobsters and her paramour

Servants to the rich
Butlers to the great
Comforters, philosophers and life-long mates

Everybody bless domestics
Nobody could do without
Everybody raise a toast!
(Toast the hosts we love the most!)
Everybody raise a toast to the Masters of the House!

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