Volume I, Issue iv

December 1998

What's Cookin' on the Backburner: Episode 3 by Judy Ellison

Episode 3: One Final Serving of Ruby's Chili...

All in all, it was a typical Backburner scene, with the regular folks doing the usual things...until Taggert slammed his fist on the bar and pointed an accusing finger at the image on the WebTV screen: "Damn that Tom Baker! What were we thinkin' posing for that guy?"

And there it was, looking more real than the real thing. Assembled in thousands of pixels and millions of colors and broadcast Earth-wide for the entire internet audience: Tom's final photograph of last month's Backburner denizens, with their smiling faces perched atop an assortment of nude torsos.

"Well, I guess it was to be expected," mused Ted Murty philosophically, "once he left the confines of the Backburner, it was only a matter of time before Tom reverted back to the dictates of his onscreen persona, behaving in the manner that had become expected of him." Ted turned to face a rather pale Audrey, who was visibly shaken at the sight of her cyber-nakedness: "Rather like the character of Calpurnia in 'To Kill a Mockingbird', who altered her speech patterns to suit the expectations of those conversing with her...wouldn't you say, Audrey?"

Audrey roused herself and sent Ted a disapproving look. She waved her hand at the screen as she spoke: "Honestly, Ted, I can't believe that you would compare this...this...smut-peddler to a character in classic American literature."

"I'm ruined," moaned Dara, "there goes what's left of my reputation..."

Justus slung a comforting arm around Dara's shoulder: "Look on the bright side, Dara," he said, "you can use this as additional evidence in Tom's trial."

"You should know that the last thing I'd want is this composite up on the screen of the Port Charles courtroom." Dara removed Justus' arm from her shoulder and deposited it back by his side. "Besides...the trial's over, honey, and so are we."

Tony Jones glanced over at Alan and smiled at his bemused expression. "You're awfully quiet about this Alan," he said, and then clapped his hand on Alan's shoulder, "Kinda takes you back to the days when all the parts were in good working order, doesn't it, Roy?"

"Shut-up, Garth."

The bickering continued, with the words dissolving into a dull monophony of discontented noise, when suddenly there entered a lovely continuo of laughter. It began as a low rumble and then crescendoed to a full, rich contralto guffaw, drawing everyone's attention to its source, standing at the front door.

It was Ruby, holding a crock of chili in one arm and holding her side with the other, as her eyes flitted merrily over the image on the WebTV monitor. She walked over to the bar and deposited the chili on the counter.

"Oh, this is just rich," she said. (And no one assumed that she talking about the chili).

"Ruby, how can you say that?" said Audrey, still quite distraught. "This is humiliating!"

Ruby's voice softened and she cast a sympathetic eye toward her old friend. "Of course it's humiliating, honey," she replied, and then nodded at the monitor: "But you have to admit, you all look pretty darned good up there." She walked behind the bar and busied herself amongst the dishes and silverware, arranging small towers of nested bowls on the counter, followed by napkins and spoons.

Ruby gave a short laugh and looked Tony up and down: "Hah! Don't I know it! You should be so lucky...." She produced a ladle and began filling the bowls with hot chili. "You know", she continued, "it's not as if you're a bunch of innocent teenagers, like poor Emily is. This is just a minor setback; something to look back on a few years from now and laugh about."

"Like when we lost our home and had to live at Kelly's," Lila offered.

Edward cast an incredulous look at his wife: "That was no minor setback! That was a catastrophe! And I've never so much as cracked a smile at the memory..."

"Well, I have," said Ruby.

"As have I, dear." replied Lila, offering Ruby an affectionate smile, "You were a lovely host."

"Thank you, Lila," said Ruby, "and believe me, it was my pleasure," she added, with a wink at Edward.

Ruby methodically arranged the steaming bowls of chili onto serving trays and distributed them amongst the patrons, pausing at each table to offer side servings of commentary and advice:

To Alan (after 'accidentally' spilling hot chili onto Tony's lap): "Are you still hanging around with this loser?"

To Justus: "Take an extra helping. You're positively wasting away."

To Rick Johnson: "Are you old enough to be in here, honey?"

To Taggert (after glancing back at Tom's doctored photo): "My guess is, the real thing's better..."

(To Dara, of course, she didn't speak, still dutifully holding onto an old and cherished grudge.)

She made her way back to Tammy and Garcia's table and smiled approvingly at its female occupant. She put the tray down and held out her hand: "I don't believe we've ever been introduced," she said.

Garcia took the initiative: "Ruby, this is Tammy.... Um...you never told me your last name, Tammy..."

"That's because you don't need it, honey," Ruby replied. She shook Tammy's hand and remarked: "I think my nephew Luke's mentioned you before, and he says you've got a good head on your shoulders. I appreciate a woman with a good work ethic, and if I'd had a few more like you back at my business in Florida, I could've retired a rich woman long ago..."

"Thanks Ruby," said Tammy, "but I've always worked alone...." She cast a mildly contrite glance across the table at Garcia, whose increased fidgeting signaled the dawning of a notion with which he was obviously uncomfortable.

"That's probably a smart decision," Ruby agreed. She collected her serving tray from the table. "Well, if you ever get tired of this line of work, maybe you'll consider taking over for me at Kelly's..."

"You're leaving Kelly's, Ruby?" Monica interjected from across the room.

"Yes," replied Ruby, making her way back to the Quartermaines' pool table, "I'll miss you all, but I think it's time I passed the ladle." She paused, and fished a well-worn index card out of her apron pocket, and handed it to Reginald. "Here's the secret recipe to Ruby's Five Alarm Chili. Give it to Cook, will you dear? I always promised her first dibs..."

Reginald stared reverently at the crumpled paper in his hands, as if its contents carried some deeper, profound meaning. "But won't you need this...wherever you're going?" he asked.

Ruby tapped the side of her head with her index finger. "I've got it all up here, honey."

She finished serving the remains of the chili and walked slowly toward the front door. "And remember," she said, "It doesn't take a lot of fancy ingredients to make a fine chili. Just a lot of good spice and a long, slow cooking time..."

"Say 'hello' to Jesse Brewer for us," said Alan.

"And tell Mary Mae that we miss her," added Justus.

"And give Steve all of my love..." said Audrey.

With a final wave, Ruby disappeared out the door, leaving the Backburner bathed in the gentle, low rumble of her reply:

"I will, darlin's... I will..."